PAN's Flea Bag

When I was little, I wore mostly boy clothes, to try and look like those movie characters that I liked so much. Atreyu from The Never Ending Story, Jay from that old TV series The Odyssey, Kim from a fairly unknown Swedish movie (Jag är din krigare) and Jesse - the boy from Free Willy. I wanted to be just like them, and dressing somewhat similar made me feel connected. These four boys had things in common. They were all adventurous, brave, outdoorsy and they knew how to fend for themselves. They weren't afraid to get dirt under their finger nails, and they didn't cry for bandaids whenever they scraped a knee. Most kids have heroes that they look up to. These four boys happened to be mine.

 

I spent most of my childhood running around in the woods outside my house. I climbed trees and taught myself to shoot with a bow and arrow (made out of sticks), I learned great sword fighting techniques (also with sticks) and I could run fast in tough terrain without stumbling and falling down. I caught a bird with my bare hands once, which was pretty crazy, but I really wanted a pet. My mom didn't let me keep it. For my birthday, I convinced my dad to give me a knife, which I used to carve things out of wood, responsably, of course. I had this idea that I needed to learn survival skills, in case I would ever stumble upon an adventure, or if I had to flee from something. I knew what was edible in the woods, and I had already planned what kind of food I would bring from home if I would ever decide to run away (canned food for the win). Don't get me wrong, I had absolutely no reason to ever want to run away from home, but I still liked the idea of it, and the idea of surviving on my own out there. I figured I could do it. I never wore skirts or dresses back then, they made me look too girly, less like the four boys above, and they were impractical when exploring the great outdoors. I spent a lot of time on my own, by choice, actually, and I had the best time out there. Thinking about those days makes me genuinly happy. My childhood was never about physical items, never about owning as many toys as possible, and I was perfectly content with what I could find out there in the woods. Imagination is a pretty magical thing, and I remember promising myself at the age of 12, to never forget what it is like to be a kid. I hope (and think) that I have stayed true to my promise.

 

I might not look the part anymore, and I don't climb trees as often as I used to. ...However, I am still damn good at it, if I may say so myself. It is like riding a bike - once you learn, you never forget. I now wear the occasional skirt or dress, I buy clothes my own size rather than clothes that are five sizes too big, and I am growing my hair out. Despite all that, I am still the same person, I think, somewhere deep down. I still believe that happiness has nothing to do with physical possessions, and that sometimes, all it takes to be happy, is a walk in the woods. Sure, there are times when I forget, when I complain about stupid things, spend money on stuff that I don't need or refuse to try something that is new to me. That is not the kind of person that I want to be. I want to be more like the person I was back then, when all I needed was a bow and arrow made out of sticks and string. Back when my biggest heroes were four boys with messy hair and ill-fitting clothes, and when climbing a new tree felt like the greatest achievement in the world. Now, I don't mean that I want to become a professional tree climber, or that I want to live my life in a cave. What I mean is; that I cannot allow myself to forget what it is like to be a kid, a kid who loves the simple things in life.