PAN's Flea Bag

Last year was not a great year for me. It had all the puzzle pieces needed for it to become a fantastic year, but for reasons partially unknown - I was unable to put them together correctly. Everbody has their ups and downs in life, and sure I can think of several lows I have had in the past, but they have always been temorary. Last year, in 2014, I hit rock bottom for the first time ever. I made some bad financial decisions for myself, and after that; things just kept building up. I tried to fix my mistakes, but just as I thought I was okay, something went wrong again. I like to compare it to being on a small boat in a storm. You're standing up, about to fall off, and no matter how you try - you can't regain balance. ...But you don't fall either. You are just there, rocking back and forth, struggling, hoping that the storm will pass. It becomes this fixation, this thought you can't get out of your head, so that even when you are smiling and having a good time - it is still there. Eating at you. I never thought that would happen to me. I never thought I would put myself in a situation where I would be at the store, looking at the coins in my hand, trying to decide whether to spend them on bread for me or kibble for the dog. That's a pretty pathetic feeling.

 

The worst part in all this, is what I let it do to me. I changed. I went from being a happy and spontaneous person, to becoming this constantly nagging bitch, nicely put. I took it out on people I care about, without even realizing, and that is something I can never undo. I became boring, stopped wanting to do things, I complained a lot and pulled away from those who who could have supported me, had I let them. I never blamed anyone but myself for my troubles, as I knew fully well that I was the one who had shot myself in the leg. However, the burden got the best of me, and I stopped being a good person and a good friend. Now, looking back, it is quite scary what depression and desperation can do. What scares me the most is that I didn't realize how it altered my whole personality, even though a very close friend of mine pointed it out several times. I thought he was just being mean. I behaved in ways that I am not proud of today, and I might have lost some friends in the process. Rock bottom is a very dark and lonely place, and in my case, I denied being down there for a very long time.

 

It wasn't until last fall that I started to see the light. The bubble I had built up around me started to burst, which allowed me to see not only my situation for what it was, but also myself for what I had become. It was quite shocking. That was when I decided that it had to end. I couldn't bare being down in that miserable pit of despair anymore, so I decided to get out. I had tried so hard to get back on my feet for many months, but it wasn't until I actually was at the lowest of the low that I was able to do it. I remembered something my sister told me once. She said that "I think that in order to be great, you have to hit rock bottom first." I decided to be great. The first step was to admit to myself that I had screwed up, that there was no way to fix it unless I let everything go - the stress, the pressure and the responsabilities - and started over. I began looking at the big picture, rather than at each individual issue. Once I knew that I had failed, once I owned up to it, I could build myself up again. Only then. The thing is; once you realize that you have actually hit rock bottom - there is nothing left to lose. 

 

Funny enough, as soon as I changed my attitude, everything around me changed. My bad luck turned into good luck, and within a matter of months - I was on the right track. Now - about a year after things started to go wrong - I am doing great. When I think about how bad things were for a while, it seems surreal, as if it happened to someone other than me. I have always been a very happy and life-loving person, which had me thinking that I wasn't at risk of ever becoming depressed. This proves that anyone can sink into depression, and that you don't always realize it as it happens. You think you are fine, handling things okay, but you really aren't. You are walking down a very dangerous road. The scariest thing is that when you are depressed - you still smile, you laugh and make jokes. Unless someone really knows you well, they might never be able to tell that something isn't quite right. How can they, when you don't even see it yourself? Yes, 2014 was a bad year for me, but I wouldn't change it even if I could. I needed it. Having my boat rocked was awful at the time, and I am never letting that happen again, but it taught me a lot about myself. I see now what my sister meant when she said that you have to hit rock bottom before you can reach greatness. Once you've been at the bottom, you see things differently. You value things differently. You appreciate things you might not have thought of before. I know what I want now, and I know that I am the only one who can make it happen. I will make this year the best year of my life.